Kiss Kiss

So, when you think about France, a lot of things comes to mind.

Cheese, wine, food. Pretty nice country, very food-y. There are, of course, the stereotypes: generally unclean, the unfortunate side effects of owning pets all over the sidewalks, snobby, American-haters. (Remind me to go over stereotypes in another post.)

It's also pretty likely that within minutes of hearing the word "French," an image pops into your mind of a skinny twenty-something fashionista dressed mostly in black, wearing a beautiful scarf, kissing all of her friends on the cheeks. (Warning: Subject of blog post.)

So, living in France for two plus months, I've had to do a lot of greetings, and therefore have kissed a great many people of both sexes and varying ages.

At first, this seemed like the height of elegance to me. Let's face it, when an American is pressed to come up with the most chic and elegant country they know, a fair few of them will mention France at some point. The European-cheek-kissing-thing has always impressed that dark little part of our souls that tells us living in Europe automatically makes you more awesome as a person. When I was suddenly allowed--nay, expected to take part in the most elegant of elegant greetings, that same tiny part of my soul automatically readjusted my self-worth a notch or two in the good direction. (I'm a shallow, shallow person. So sue me.)

The only problem is, after two months of trying to deal with it, France has hands-down the most annoying greeting system in the entire world.

I want you all to just stop for a second and imagine yourself, as an American, with our perfectly sculpted little space bubble, trying to kiss someone else casually. Or touch their face with yours. The thought kind of made you cringe for a second, didn't it? Admit it, it did. To us, the thought of touching someone else's face with ours is very intimate, saved for interactions between family or very close friends.

But even that can be gotten over. I mean, the whole French space bubble (read: non-existant) thing kind of gave me the creeps for a week or two, but then I sucked it up and told myself that people bumping into me and standing a little too close on the bus was just the price I had to pay for living in France (read: coolest thing ever).

Then you get to the mathematical problems associated with kissing.

Right now, as you're reading this, you've probably read the above sentence a few times. But no: I mean mathematical.

In Paris, you kiss the people you meet twice; once on each cheek. In some parts of France, the number changes to four. In Provence (where I live), the number is three.

But even though that seems pretty easy (if you're in Paris, kiss twice, if you're in Marseille, kiss three times, right?) it turns out all those rules are really just to confuse the heck out of us poor foreigners. The thing is, that's just a guideline. As in, if you live in Provence, most people will expect the usual three-kiss deal. But then they're just not telling you about all the unspoken cultural rules that, as the French, they've been learning since birth.

For instance, when you're greeting a large group of friends, like your classmates at high school, you can abbreviate the greeting to just one kiss on the cheek, and others, realizing that you've just arrived into a big group of people, will expect the shortened greeting and just kiss your cheek once.

(Actually, you really just kiss the air while your cheek is touching theirs. It's complicated, don't expect to get it right the first few times.)

Of course, in every group of friends, there's always the person that wasn't paying attention, or isn't very good at seeing things from the perspective of others, and they'll go in for the two or three kiss thing. This is where things start to get awkward.

You've gone in for the first kiss, everything went fine. Except now you're pulling back, thinking the greeting to be finished, and your friend is leaning in again, going for the second kiss. At this point, you realize that they wanted a full greeting, and go in again (a little late) to try and salvage it, but at the same exact moment, they've realized you wanted to end the greeting there, and begin to pull back.

When was the last time you ran into someone in the hall going the opposite direction as you, and had an awkward little shuffling side-step war trying to get around them? It's like that, but with your face. And instead of that awkward running into each other thing that happens when the two of you in the hallway try side-stepping the same direction and confidently moving forward, the ultimate risk in this situation is accidentally kissing someone straight on the lips, which would be horrifying for all parties involved. Thankfully, I haven't yet seen this happen, but there have been more than a few close calls.

Granted, once you get good at knowing the cultural norms and expectations, it's relatively efficient. I'm not giving it a complete thumbs down, it still makes you look like a movie star. No matter what you're wearing or how your hair looks, when you kiss someone on the cheeks you'll look like one of those hoitey-toitey "I'm-so-fashionable-I-go-to-sleep-wearing-Prada" girls, the ones that everyone pretends are so annoying and everyone secretly wants (to have the resources) to be just like.

So, coming to the end of the review, I figure I should give you all the how-to. (Trust me. It looks simple, until you accidentally go for the wrong side first.)

First step: Get closer to the person than you would normally be comfortable with. I actually had the experience of greeting another American exchange student here very early on into our stays, and we, being both American, automatically opted to try the greeting from the usual American space bubble distance. It was a disaster. Realizing after the first very difficult kiss that it wasn't going to work from a distance, we both tried stepping closer at the same time, which led to us nearly bumping into each other. You're going to have to step out of your comfort zone (literally) and just get close to the person initially. Console yourself that after just a few kisses, it'll be over and you can step back. (Generally, if a French person sees you step back into what they feel is too large of a space bubble, an they know you're American, they'll repect it. I can't say the same thing for the lunch line or the bus, though.)

Second step: DON'T LET YOUR MIND WANDER. I don't care if it's your best friend, that cute guy in your class that you really like, or the President of France, concentrate more on what you're doing than who you're kissing. If you freak, you'll blush, which can either make you look cutely American or just plain stupid, depending on the situation. Remember that the French have been greeting people this way since they were toddlers. It's no big deal to them, like a handshake would be to an American. (Side note: Generally boys don't kiss other boys unless they're family. So, if you're a man, don't freak the French out by going in for the traditional French greeting with another man. A handshake will suffice. You should, however, still use the kisses with women, who won't find it creepy at all.)

Third step: Start from the right. YOUR right. Not much to say about this, it's just the side that some Frenchman long ago decided would be THE side to start on. Your left cheeks will be touching.

Fourth step: Pull back just a little and change sides. This is actually a little trickier than it looks. You have to pull back enough that no part of your face touches when you both move to change sides, but not enough that they think you only wanted one kiss, and the awkward shuffle of accomodation starts (see above). It really just takes practice.

Fifth step: It's basically the same as the first step, but with the other cheek. I figure now would be a good time, however, to bring up technique. First of all, don't slam. I've greeted a lot of people over here, and the people I tend to avoid greeting are the ones that slam their cheeks against mine so hard I think they're going to break my cheekbones. It actually kind of hurts, and it's usually Americans and other foreigners who do this, since the French were probably scolded out of it when they did it as children. You don't need to attempt to merge the molecules that make up your face with theirs, just lightly touch your cheek to theirs and kiss the air by their ear. Which brings me to the next rule: lightly kiss. Don't make this gigantic sucking noise that close to their ear, it's startling. No huge smacking of the lips to demonstrate your affection, or something. Just a very light kissing noise is all it takes. I've met some people who skip the kiss entirely, and just press their cheeks to yours noiselessly. Generally, everyone will have their own special technique, but try to keep yours down to a dull roar.

If you're in a region that requires more than two kisses (PLEASE, research this before you come), repeat steps 4 and 5 until it's done.

Wearing high heels, a scarf, and all black clothing is optional. (For both genders.)

~Josie Harris